Ghost Story Challenge- "The Shadow of a Skull"-- Joseph Leskey

The Shadow of a Skull

by Joseph Leskey

The world is an annoying place – it’s even more annoying when the dead are animated by unnatural, excessively irksome means. It just so happens that, contrary to the knowledge of many, this latter case was recently observed. Officer George Babcock, unlike the many, knew it well. He was on duty at the appearance of the first sign. In his hand was a really fine, outlandishly large cup of apple cider, complemented by a magnificently large slice of apple pie that he was holding on a plate in his other hand. On his desk, there was a minuscule apple that he planned to use to clean his teeth. His day hadn’t been the best – just that morning, his wardrobe had fallen on him and had broken his leg – but he was slowly deciding that things were not really so bad. Then the sound of a telephone ringing broke his momentary happiness.

“Every. Single. Time.” He drained his apple cider deliberately and stretched out his hand. The telephone, which looked exactly like a flowerpot, whipped into his hand. Very much like the telephone, Officer George Babcock wasn’t of the ordinary variety. He was the sort who would ignite fires or blow up a building with a flick of his wrist – the latter needing a very significant flick of the wrist and perhaps a bit more concentration. He was the sort who seldom had to touch anything, seeing as things literally flew to do his bidding. And when his leg had broken that morning, it had been a simple matter to put it right. The officer was wielder of magic, and, along with his nephew Ruddy, grandmother Samantha, and distance relative Officer Heath, he made it his business to protect the northern United States from those who would use magic ill.

Officer Babcock impressively placed his hand four inches above the flower pot. Immediately, a slightly translucent head popped out of it.

“Ruddy,” said Officer Babcock coldly.

“Hey, Unc!” said Ruddy. “How’s things?”

“Fabulous.” Officer Babcock slid his pie into view, hoping against hope that Ruddy would get the message. “And on your end? You do have something to report, I hope?”

“Oh, yeah. I was just eating my lunch – two meals for the price of one, so I completely overstuffed. Honestly, I think I’ll need a new uniform—”

“This is an alarming report,” said Officer Babcock, glowering.

“And then I was choking on my cheeseburger, so I put forth my magical abilities…”

“I sincerely doubt that you were choking.”

“…and pulled it out, but guess what?”

“A carrier pigeon arrived from Uranus on a two-foot astroid?”

“Um, no…actually, a transparent frog hopped right through my dashboard.”

“A transparent frog…”

“Hopped right through my—”

“Yes, yes, yes,” grumbled Officer Babcock. “Is that all?”

“No. Then a very ugly skeleton…”

“Look, Ruddy, it’s not Halloween yet.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Ruddy sounded immensely puzzled. He then quickly resumed his story. “I mean this thing was a tough customer – it was likegross – the grossest – it was unbelievably gross. There were literally like little things of rotting fle—”

“Yes, so it was ugly. Now, are you positive you aren’t making this up?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Um, Unc…”

“Okay, so first thing: what did you do with the skeleton?”

“I actually didn’t. I bellowed my head off and shot off like a rocket. But, Uncle…”

“What? You literally just are letting this thing wonder about…?”

“I wasgoing to go back and duel it – I was just phoning you first, but…”

“But what?”

“There’s this really weird cloud formation over that way. It’s like…billowing.”

“That’s it? I’d say you ought to…”

“And it’s pitch black and its spreading throughout the sky—and, Unc, help! It’s after me!” Ruddy looked abjectly panicked and the sounds of an engine revving loudly permeated the air.

“What?” said Officer Babcock, profoundly annoyed. He tensed his hand and all along the walls was projected a three hundred sixty degree panorama of the area around Ruddy’s car. The scene did look suspiciously dark. And that sky…

“Time to jump into action,” he muttered. He waved his hand and the office became dark and full of abrupt metallic sounds as it was secured. Then he pressed on his watch for a few seconds and disappeared. Eight hundred miles away, Officer Babcock was suddenly present in Illinois on top of a speeding red pick-up truck that was vibrating with heavy metal music.

“Figures,” he muttered, waving good naturally at a long line of passing yellow cars. He tensed and turned invisible, and then proceeded to pound his watch urgently. A moment later, he was falling through the air toward a shiny black pickup with four exhausts and twice as many wheels, and, half a second after that, he was sitting beside Ruddy, calmly buckling his seatbelt. Ruddy looked distinctly unwell – his pale mouth was jerking spasmodically and his forehead looked very green.

“I hatestuffed pizza,” he moaned. “I ate so much and now I feel like…”

“None of that,” snapped Officer Babcock, attempting the Valsalva maneuver because his ear had decided to go funny on him. “Now, er—” His ear popped in what he decided was a good way. “About your little sky problem…” He peered out his window. “It looks like it’s spreading.” This was an understatement. The sky was almost completely obscured, which made the whole area pretty much black as pitch.

“Most of these people don’t look very panicked,” said Ruddy, looking at a slowly moving minivan.

“Probably think it’s an eclipse.”

“Even Iknow that eclipses—”

“Yeah, well, they must not.”

Ruddy cleared his throat noticeably. “So, what is it and what do we do?”

“Ah, well, in “Appendix X” of The Darker Shade, Mr. Oswald tells you all about it, doesn’t he? It’s been the preferred method for centuries.”

“Oh, yeah, right. Skeleton. Darkness. Panic mode.” Ruddy gripped the steering wheel very tightly.

“Relax. Skeletons are literally just bones with the dark forces of the blackest magic running through their marrow. Hey, just pull over into that parking lot, why don’t you?”

Ruddy nervously jerked the steering wheel and came to a smooth stop in a ditch.

“Get out,” grunted Officer Babcock. He and Ruddy both exited the car. Leaving it in the ditch, they strode over to the parking lot and looked upwards. This did them no good, as the headlights were now contrasting so sharply with the darkness that they could barely see anything at all.

“Black as…black as…black as…” chanted Ruddy.

“This honestly doesn’t look nice.” Officer Babcock shifted his weight.

“Usually reallypowerful sorcerers like to announce themselves this way.”

“Exactly. And we can’t count on much help. The PIDOCC are off in another world.”

“Maybe you should call in Great-grandma?”

“If there’s a bloodbath, she’ll know.”

Ruddy wobbled very pronouncedly. “Um, are we just going to stand here, or…?”

“Well, it’s a bit late to try and prevent anybody noticing this. And, if you notice, the darkness is an all-consuming nightmare – look at the headlights – see, they’re almost gone – I think we pretty much ought to just stand here.”

Ruddy’s voice came out of the darkness. “What do we do a-after that?” He pretended to clear his throat.

Officer Babcock shrugged, which did Ruddy no good. “Let’s try and make some light, shall we?”

“Can’t we just leave?” moaned Ruddy.

“No.” Officer Babcock ground out some mumblings. Huge pillars of multicolored light sprang up around them, spiraling in the air, and bursting merrily like fireworks. “That’s better, isn’t it?”

“I can see!” cried Ruddy ardently.

“That’s generally the effect of having light reflecting off objects into your eyes.”

“Right? But now what d’we do?”

“Haven’t you asked me that almost five times already? How’s this? I. Have. No. Clue.”

Words failed Ruddy as he spluttered in shock. “I need gingerbread,” he weakly intoned.

Officer Babcock allowed himself a harsh laugh. “I don’t like this one bit. C’mon.” He seized Ruddy’s arm, the extremities of which were turning an alarming shade of purple, and they were instantly standing on a building closer to the middle of the town.

“Look how slow traffic’s going,” muttered Ruddy.

“My light over there isn’t exactly inconspicuous…I should have made it look more like a thunderstorm. That’s actually not such a bad idea! Ruddy, storm away. Get everybody distracted.”

“Er, right.” Ruddy whipped his hand toward the sky and a wooden ruler appeared in it. “Storm, I summon you by my immense power to come forth…”

“Shush,” said Officer Babcock irritably. He waved his hand and a bolt of lightning struck in the distance.

Ruddy didn’t shush. With a final “…and strike with all the might that is possible by your force into the heart of the geographical location that I command you,” he managed to summon some harmless sparks on a shiny black limousine.

“Nice one, Ruddy,” growled Officer Babcock. “Ah, there!” Three lightning bolts struck in different areas, each one sending pulsing light radiating back into the sky. “Now we can go see what exactly is going on. Where did you see the skeleton?”

“Um…I dunno.”

“Lead the way!”

“I said I—”

“Lead it anyway! We’re bound to find something.”

“Okay. Just let me…” A giant flashlight clicked on in Officer Babcock’s face.

“That you?” asked Ruddy. “Good. Let’s go, then.” They teleported off the building and walked aimlessly on top of cars as Ruddy attempted to get his bearings. Another flash of lightning lit up the area briefly. “I almost recognize that bank,” said Ruddy firmly.

“Let’s have at it.”

In a split second, they were in its parking lot, staring.

“Next landmark?” inquired Officer Babcock.

“Well…I was almost going to say—oh, never mind,” Ruddy amended at the advent of another brilliant flash. “This isn’t a bank. This is exactly the right place.”

“Where’s the skeleton, then?”

“Don’t the armies usually arrive in number quicker than this?” asked Ruddy in reply.

“Yes, that’s why I’m inclined to think that this is more of a probe. Or possibly even a diversion.”

“Hm. So, now…”

“Wondering aimlessly through the town’s probably the most amusing thing at the moment. I’m kind of hoping we’ll be ambushed.”

“Oh.” Ruddy shined the flashlight in his uncle’s face again. “This is really boring, Unc.”

“It’s nostalgic. Now, Ruddy, without looking behind you, why don’t you just take, say, five steps to your left?”

Ruddy did so, looking confused. Officer Babcock sprang forth with alarming rapidity. There was a colossal, soundless eruption of light, and bones flew everywhere. Officer Babcock chuckled grimly. “That’s more the ticket.”

Ruddy turned around. “Wha…?”

“See, ambush! And the stupidest ambush ever! Let me at ’em.” Officer Babcock grabbed a bone and peered at it carefully. “Um…nope.” He picked up another. “Useless.” Throwing them both over his shoulder, he dived forward and began to analyze each bone.

Ruddy was left to stare at the random individuals who were beginning to appear. Nervously turning off his flashlight, he looked up at the quickly brightening sky with feigned disbelief.

“I think this is it! You should feel this raw dark energy,” yelled Officer Babcock. Ruddy peered very intently at the sky.

Officer Babcock walked up to him. “Let’s go. Bright, sunny day, isn’t it?” He grabbed his nephew be the shoulder and steered him behind a building, where they once again teleported, this time back to the office, which quickly illuminated itself.

Officer Babcock thunked the bone on a table and threw a ball of light over it. “This is the answer to all our troubles. He pulled a large twig out of his pocket and tapped the bone. A black mass swirled out of it. “This, Ruddy, is the answer to all our troubles.”

“You said that already,” stated Ruddy. “Anyway, we don’t really havetroubles.”

“On the contrary. Whatever new dark wizard this is, I’d say he’s your typical, boring villain, but I’d also say he’s the sort that likes hide-and-seek.”

“Well, most people do.”

“This is true. But it’s so much more aggravatingwhen a villain decides to give it a go.”

“Well, that’s obvious.”

“I took the liberty of sealing the bones, trapping the essential nature of the power that gives them life. This, my dear young nephew” – he stuck the bone under Ruddy’s nose – “contains a sample of it.”

“It tickles my nose hair.”

“That’s disgusting,” said Officer Babcock, swiftly drawing the bone away. “Now, just give me a tick.”

“Okay.” Ruddy took a step backward and sat on the air and then, abruptly, the floor. “Ow!”

“That’s ramification for you,” muttered Officer Babcock, working swiftly with his twig and trapping dark mist in four different rings. He pocketed two and threw one over his back. Ruddy caught it disbelievingly and got up slowly, grimly massaging his lower back. “I’m not wearing this,” he protested.

“Why not?” said Officer Babcock dangerously, throwing the bone into a safe.

“It’s jewelry. You know, like a nose ring or something. There’s no way I’m wearing it.”

“This is nothing like a nose ring,” said Officer Babcock, looking at his. “It’s a compass.”

“Why couldn’t you make it look like a compass, then?”

“That would be too mundane.”

“This is jewelry,” repeated Ruddy.

“Just pretend you got married and shut up, won’t you?”

Ruddy’s jaw twitched with uncontrollable indignation and he sulkily shoved the ring on. “Agh! It’s cold as ice. Hold on – you didn’t make this a hot or cold sort of thing, did you?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that, but kind of.”

“That’s stupid.”

“No time to make anything more complicated,” snarled Officer Babcock, grinning broadly. “Off we pop!”

“That’s stupid,” mumbled Ruddy, reassuringly patting himself on the back. “Reallystupid.”

They both warped through the wall and stared up and down the street.

Officer Babcock waved his twig and two other people appeared in front of them.

“That was prompt,” said Officer Babcock, almost impressed. “Hello, hello, hello. We have a problem.” Ruddy self-consciously hid his hands behind his back.

“We know, actually,” said his grandmother.

“Yeah,” sighed Officer Heath. “Grandma and I have been tracking ghosts all day.”

“All day?” demanded Officer Babcock. “I—”

“I definitely wasn’t tracking them all day. I was in Florence!” Grandma said.

Officer Heath sighed again. “It sure seemed like it was all day.”

“Yeah, well, put on these rings, and we’ll get to some serious tracking.” Officer Babcock enthusiastically threw their rings at them.

“Very nice, dear,” said Grandma appreciatively. She began decorating it with tiny paw-prints.

Officer Heath meanwhile looked at it sadly. “I can’t put this on…”

“Even Ruddy did!” yelled Officer Babcock.

“Only because of aggravated and cruel coercion,” said Ruddy.

“Well,” moaned Officer Heath, “rings make my hand itchy.”

“What?” Officer Babcock looked blankly at him and then waved his concern away. “Never mind. All’s well that ends well – that’s what Grandma used to say.”

“But that was before…” began Grandma.

Officer Babcock cleared his throat. “Warmer!” He began walking down the road. “Warmer! Warmer! Warmer! Warmer! You know, I almost think it’s a touch colder. Hm. Oh, yes, warmer!”

“I think he woke up this morning and cracked his knave’s pate,” muttered Officer Heath.

“You and me both, sir,” said Ruddy.

“We both what?”

“Think he—”

“Oh.”

Officer Babcock turned around. “Definitelycolder! Well, what about it, Grandma, fellows? Pick a direction. Divide and conquer!”

“Poor guy,” said Grandma sadly. “It seems like there’s a better way.” She headed off eastward.

“Do us a favor and keep an eye on your uncle, Ruddy,” said Officer Heath. “If he starts foaming at the mouth or having hallucinations or whistling like a madman or referring to himself in the third person—well, just know that we’re there for you, okay? Hot or cold, seriously…” He disappeared.

Officer Babcock looked back at Ruddy. “Ruddy, come on this way. It’s definitely getting warmer.” Ruddy reluctantly joined his uncle, who was brightly studying little white spots that were moving around on the small green stone mounted in his ring. “If we time things just right,” Officer Babcock went on, “Grandma and Heath will turn up just as we’re about to be destroyed. The element of surprise will be tenfold at that moment.”

“Right…” gulped Ruddy.

“See, the fact is this: There is a small group of these things about two miles that way. And we’re going to go take it out.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever, fine.”

“Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hm. No improvement. A touch this way…and, yes, that did—warmer. Warmer. Warmer. COOOOLDER!!!!”

Ruddy jumped in terror. “Mine doesn’t feel duch mifferent…much different.”

“You’re not concentrating properly.”

“My eyes are rolling in their sockets. I’m suddenly realizing I’m mortally afraid of skeletons.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re really not. If you were, we’d put you through systematic desensitization later, but there’s no time now. Because we are definitely hotter. I think maybe some little detachment is heading toward us.”

Ruddy nervously whipped out his ruler. “Ready when you are, chief.”

“I’m not the chief,” said an aghast Officer Babcock. “We’re a cooperative.”

“And when were you going to tell me?” demanded Ruddy, throwing back his shoulders and brushing lint off his sleeve.

“I thought I did—but don’t let it go to your head. I’m senior officer.”

“Oh, great.” Ruddy slumped again. “Say, actually, myring is getting hot.”

“I think, just around this corner…oh, yes…” They were suddenly standing face to face with a score of transparent warriors.

“Ghosts!” yelped Ruddy.

“Oh, yes, just let the enemy know you’re terrified.”

“It’s my strategy,” whispered Ruddy hoarsely.

“Good. Here we go.”Officer Babcock’s twig suddenly became a stout walking stick. “Time for cardio!” Into the ghosts he recklessly plunged.

“That’s the spirit, Unc! Pun unintentional! Aah! Watch out. Those spectral blades look sharp!”

“Initiating vacuum maneuver! These things are weak and pathetic, mindless robots bent to the will of an amateur magician.” In a less than impressive movement, the ghosts were suddenly sucked up into his staff.

“Just distill them a bit,” muttered Officer Babcock, shaking the staff slowly just as several motorists cruised past. Yawning, he added, “Next stop: that hotel.” He pointed to a large building that was beginning to sprout inky fog.

“Booooooring. This whole operation is very erratic, y’know. What are we going to do, go across the whole country with you shouting, ‘Warmer! Warmer! Warmer! Frigid!’?”

“Until we find culprit A,” said Officer Babcock.

“This is very stupid. This is so incredibly dumb. And why exactly do I have to wear this stupid ring?”

“If I become decapitated, you might need it. Use your senses, boy.” Officer Babcock, apparently forgetting he could teleport, shot off at a run.

“Funny how words work, really,” muttered Ruddy, trying to keep up. “He said, ‘decapitated,’ when he clearly meant ‘incapacitated.’”

“I did not.” Officer Babcock slowed his pace a little.

“But you cut through those ghosts like a bulldozer through a bath towel. I honestly don’t get the problem.”

“I know,” murmured Officer Babcock dismally, “but you can always hope.”

“Hope? Look, how about I’mthe one behind these ghosts and stuff; then we can just go back and—”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“No, literally, look, I’m just as likely as the next wizard. Look!” A shadowy projectile with a black, smoky trail shot from Ruddy’s hand and blew up part of the road. “Oops.”

Officer Babcock stopped running to fix it with several dramatic flourishes. “Don’t do that, please.” And off he went again.

“I even offered conclusive evidence,” Ruddy said. Shaking his head, he teleported four feet in front of Officer Babcock and tried to run like a cheetah. By the time they finally reached the hotel, Officer Babcock far in the lead, incorporeal shapes were pouring from the windows.

“Admittedly,” said Ruddy, “this is looking spooky.”

“No, it doesn’t,” rejoined Officer Babcock. “Honestly, what is less spooky than little puffs of steam coming out of windows in the middle of the morning? Look. Nobody’s noticed it yet.” He was gripping his stick so tightly that his entire hand was bloodless. His other hand became occupied in pointing at a taxi.

“It’s almost noon,” said Ruddy suddenly, looking at a random clock across the road, “but that’s beside the point.”

“Yes, it is. Let us proceed. Protective barriers up!” Officer Babcock began chucking very solid looking symbols out of his fingertips. They burned a dull blue against the pavement. “Door cautiously opened!”

“It has one of those…” Ruddy turned his hand vaguely.

“Revolving doors? Where?”

“On the other side.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

The door was impressively built and also very slow.

“I hate these,” whimpered Ruddy.

“What are you even doing? One person at a time – don’t you get that these are for one…?”

“Well, I can’t help it. I’m stuck.”

“Well, so am I, now that you mention it.”

“Ow, I think it’s going to take my leg off. It’s still trying to move. Oh, look, trouble.”

“In the form of an incensed bouncer, for that matter.” Officer Babcock yawned.

The doorman slouched over with both eyebrows down and a very nasty smile on his face. He stopped in front of the door, his nostrils flaring ominously. He pointed a remote deliberately, and then the door jerked backward, throwing both officers of magical law enforcement into a distinguished gentleman who had been waiting very politely behind them.

“Sorry,” said the gentlemen, helping them up in turn and offering them a clothes brush. “So sorry. My fault. Should have looked where I was going. Pardon me. Please, you first.” He gestured toward the door.

Officer Babcock gave his sleeve a ceremonial swipe with the brush, handed it back, thanking the man courteously, and stomped off toward the door. Ruddy grinned conversationally and then followed him. Once inside, they were faced with a fresh dilemma.

“How may I help you?” taunted the doorman. “You can check inover there…” He waved vaguely around a corner.

“Um, did you happen to notice that there is something like smoke pouring out of your windows.”

“No. And I assure you, sirs, I would have noticed.”

“There actually is something coming out of those windows,” said the polite fellow, who had quietly come through the doors. “A bit alarming, actually.” He bowed and ambled around the bend.

The bouncer began to swell angrily. “Is this a hoax? It had better not be…you should see what I did…I’m wealthy, y’know…I know a good lawyer. Destroyedthat prankster!”

Officer Babcock casually waved his hand and the doorman fell asleep, got up, and trudged unrealistically through the revolving doors to the parking lot, where he promptly folded over double and began to snore.

“Pompous bully,” said Officer Babcock. “That’s my honest—but let’s go see about these ghosts, shall we? Let’s go invisible.” He pressed his watch and vanished. Ruddy did the same. It was a very simple exercise to sneak past the front desk and up a flight of stairs that lead into a hallway. Not so simple was the fact that the hallway was packed with ghosts. They darted into the shadows as soon as Officer Babcock’s head appeared. Then, the room went very dark and the blinds of a giant window opposite them fell with a strangely quiet crash.

“That is actually a bit frightening,” laughed Ruddy.

“You’re kidding, right?” Officer Babcock was beaming. “You’ve already seen the ghosts! Not remotely scary.”

“Excuse me,” said the gentleman with a clothes brush, seemingly directly in front of them. “You did just say ‘ghosts,’ did you not?”

“Uh…” Officer Babcock. He pounded the floor and his walking staff let out a weak glow. “Actually, yes, I…” The gleam suddenly revealed what was unmistakably a skeletal foot, standing just in front of them. Officer Babcock coughed suddenly and yelled an extremely loud, indistinct word. Amazingly radiant beams of light lit up the room and the freshly revealed skeleton blew apart into innumerable bits.

“That is to say—!” began the gentleman energetically – he had been standing directly behind the skeleton. “How extraordinary. I thoughtI had seen a bunch of ghosts when I had first ascended. I am a most dedicated practitioner of phasmophobia and am at this moment rooted to these two floorboards in abject terror and astonishment, feeling almost as if my entire body has been paralyzed, though I know it cannot be so, and—”

“Team Fazo-phobia,” interrupted Ruddy, holding out his hand as if he wanted a high-five.

“Okay,” said Officer Babcock frowningly. “The magician behind this is weak in everything but summoning darkness. Out we go.” His light disappeared.

“My fear of ghosts,” said the gentlemen, “can sometimes manifest itself to act strangely similar to nyctophobia and I am sorrowful to announce my condition is now, if possible, far worse than it was before.”

“My apologies,” ground out Officer Babcock. “I—” A sound like a horse whinnying resonated directly behind him.

“Hey!” he screamed. A large pulse of light spread through the room from his hand, revealing nothing.

“The brief spurt of light gave me excess energy and now I feel distinctly unwell,” said the gentlemen. “Can I have a chair?”

“Ja!” said a gruff voice. A dull scraping drew near and then stopped with a sudden splash.

“Before we all go mad with the horror I am sure we are at this point feeling,” murmured the gentleman weakly, “I would just like to say that my name is Paul – Paul Hoover.”

“R-ruddy Ba-ba-b’bcock. P-pleasure!”

“Officer George K. Babcock who is d-d-d—that is, not afraid of ghosts—or phantoms—or specters—or wraiths—or apparitions—or amputations.” Officer Babcock said the last word in a cleverly disguised gruff wail, just as there were a loud whistling noise and a cry of pain. Something crashed on the floor and rolled.

“Do you need a light?” asked a gruff voice at his elbow. An evil-looking match with an oddly thick flame extended out of the darkness.

“No, I do not need a light,” said Officer Babcock hotly. “Ruddy. We must put ourselves into an easier position. I shall summon aid.”

“Give us the o’clock, gov’ner,” whined a voice.

“Hands of my wristwatch – band made in the U.S. and all—ugh!”

“What!?” yelled Ruddy.

“Rotten flesh. Slimy. LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!” Officer Babcock once again produced huge amounts of light – the room was empty except for the three of them.

Paul Hoover was swaying slightly. “Quite faint, actually. Excuse me, but I think I had better lie down.” He turned and disappeared into the wall.

“Did you see?” barked Officer Babcock. “Did you see?” But Ruddy was occupied in staring beyond him mutely. Wincing, Officer Babcock whipped around. “’Oosthere?”

There stood before them a skull with tiny little legs sticking out of its bottom.

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Officer Babcock.

“Do you think so?” grated an indistinguishable voice from the skull. “How about not two minutes ago, when your little light was out? Scream like a banshee, wouldn’t you, if I had appeared then?” The scull waddled toward him in a completely ludicrous fashion. “Do you know what I am?”

“You’re a skull,” stated Officer Babcock. “With stupid little legs.”

“I am not justa skull, no. I was once a powerful human. I defied the universe. I have crushed entropy. I shall live forever…or so I thought. Reading too many fiction books, wasn’t I? Now look at me – a skull, with stupid little legs. Is sad, no?”

“I am currently feeling no pity for you.”

“I brought you here for a reason. Blotted out the sky, scattered a paltry number of my forces, animated solely by my power – or so I thought – even decorated this ‘hotel.’” The skull, suddenly floating, stuck its stupid legs up in what was apparently a form of air quotes.

“Hey,” said Ruddy appreciatively. “You could have been a talented gymnast.”

“Don’t be stupid,” snapped the skull, putting its legs firmly back where they belonged. “I’ve got my oration still to deliver. Anyway, I did all these things, but I have forgotten why I did them. It comes of having no brain – no neurons – no memory except what I can scrape together – but you can’t understand that – you haven’t studied the Black Arts – you are young and innocent, though you stole pies when you were five.” It pointed a leg at Officer Babcock, who looked strangely horrified.

“Oh, yes,” said the skull, waddling a bit closer. “I know your thoughts. I know your mind. Apple cider, eh? I remember the taste.” It then turned and stared at the far wall. “Look what I have built. No, this hotel – not impressive at all, is it?”

“It’s alright,” said Ruddy hastily. “I think maybe your rotating door can use some—HELP!”The door to the room next to him suddenly slammed open, revealing beds with myriad rows of corpses.

“Takes my hotel down a star or two, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t recommend it to your friends now, would you? Disgusting, isn’t it? Soak it in, youth. This is the end I tried to avoid.” The door slowly shut. Ruddy looked rather greenish yellow.

“This is disturbing,” said Officer Babcock quickly. “Listen, you’d better have a pretty good explanation for where you gotall those corpses…”

“Ha ha. Don’t worry, officer, I’m no murderer. I dug them up and…reconstructed. I need to find out how lifeworks.”

“Oh,” said Ruddy, turning a much healthier hue. “That’s easy. See, it all centers around this process called respiration. The—”

“Don’t bore me with science, idiot, I’m looking for deeper stuff – you wouldn’t understand – you’re not the philosophizing type.”

“Honestly, respiration is pretty deep.”

“Well, this is still disturbing,” said Officer Babcock after a moment’s silence. “And the health regulations around here are down the toilet, so I’m just taking you in.”

“Taking me in where? This building is your world now. You can build a little jail in there if you like.” The skull nodded meaningfully at a door. “Just coffins in there. Been meaning to put them in the basement for ages.”

There was another silence. “You is absolutely mental!” cried Ruddy finally.

“No. I am brainless. I am no longer capable of emotion. I think I did something wrong. My dog ate some of the instructions.”

“No longer capable of emotion? Everything’s gotta have emotion,” said Ruddy.

“Not I. Now, while I go take over the world, shall I lock you away, or what?”

“What happened to that polite gentlemen?” asked Officer Babcock suddenly. “The one who disappeared into the wall.”

“I regret him sorely,” said the skull tonelessly. “He was a human who happened upon this hotel – which he shouldn’t have been able to. I have no idea how he did it, but, quite suddenly, he melted and rose as a ghost. He’s honestly the strangest thing. Gives me the creeps, really. Awful creeps. He comes in every day, just as polite as can be – I can’t be rid of him! Driving me nutters.”

“Hang on!” yelled Ruddy. “Creeps – how are you having creeps if you don’t have emotion?”

“Creeps aren’t an emotion.”

“Yeah they are; they’re kind of a compound emotion.”

“They are not.”

“They are.”

“Yeah, and why don’t you prove it!?” yelled the skull.

“Dead giveaway. That was outrage, right there!”

“No. I was raising my voice to get you to shut up.”

Officer Babcock had pulled out a gun during this argument and at this moment fired at the skull. There was a burst of light, and it was suddenly trapped in an enormous, glittering glass ball.

“What good did that do?” said the skull. “You cannot stop me. I have brooded here in hiding for enough time. I musttake over the world. I have no purpose otherwise. My life is wasted.”

“That’s degrading,” said Ruddy, “the way you seem to think humans are just your little Matchbox cars to play with. It’s just degrading.”

“I do not care. I am not capable of caring. I do wish I could remember why I called you here.” The skull stared at them for a moment.

“You didn’t call,” said Officer Babcock irritably. “Let’s see…where’s my watch?”

“I do not know,” said the skull. “That was a lie,” it added as an afterthought, “but I have no guilt.”

“Will you shut it with your self-pity? You’d better tell me where my watch is—”

“Little Karen probably ate it. Amazing how she can put metal down that rotten gullet of hers.”

“Ew! You named one of your zombies Karen?” said Ruddy in disgust. “That’s sick.”

Officer Babcock belatedly began to seethe. “I’m starting to loathe you, y’know that? That watch had a piece of metal in it that was passed down in my family for five, possibly eight generations. Let’s see what you make of this!” He glared at the skull and raised his stick. It shattered.

“WILL YOU QUIT?” he bellowed. Red symbols pulsed around him and spiraled into the ceiling in a rather sensational display of power. They ripped through the ceiling effortlessly, revealing a cloudless roof. Further destruction revealed more cloudless roof. Even more advanced destruction revealed a third instance of cloudless roof. The symbols died.

“Okay, okay,” said Officer Babcock furiously. “Did I say I loathe you? Well, I changed my mind. If I wasn’t in my official capacity, I would speak it – out loud and boldly, too.”

“I care neither one way nor the other how you feel about me,” said the skull. “I shall go about my business similarly in either case.”

“For your own good,” said Ruddy, “you really ought to just come with us – get you help with your, uh, unhealthy obsessions.”

“No,” said the skull. “You shall stay here. I will go conquer the world. Beginning now. Remove the shield from around my shape, George Babcock. No, you cannot teleport away. There is no chance of escape. Loose me or you will die. If you do not, perhaps I’ll kill you, maybe thirst will.”

“I should think I won’t let you out,” snarled Officer Babcock. “Ruddy, find a way out of this place.”

Ruddy immediately headed toward the stairs. “Um, these go down into a basement now…”

“There is noway out,” said the skull, “unless I provide it. Now, release me immediately, or I shall order your death by decapitation. I desire to see how swiftly I can overpower my old race.”

“Demented,” said Officer Babcock. He began chucking symbols all over the place again.

“Those are useless against me,” said the skull. “Well, I order your death by decapitation.”

“No, thanks,” said Ruddy in an absurdly mild voice.

“If you do not want death by decapitation, I suggest you talk sense into your uncle. I will give you two minutes.”

“Um, Uncle…”

Officer Babcock paid no heed. He instead began sending crackling bolts of energy at the glass ball. These passed through it and bounced harmlessly off the skull.

“Um, Uncle,” said Ruddy, pointing. “Very intimidating ske—!”

“No time. Busy. Do you still have your watch?”

“No.”

“Whoever heard of a zombie eating watches, anyway?” Uncle Babcock was finally forced to stop with his bolts, seeing as an enormous skeleton had nearly chopped his head in half with what looked to be an ancient car part. He brutally destroyed the pugnacious automaton with his gun. “Honestly, I don’t think this is the ideal situation.” He glared at Ruddy. “Any thoughts?”

“Release me,” demanded the skull.

“No,” Uncle Babcock hissed.

“Maybe there’s a way out through the basement?” Ruddy peered anxiously down the stairs.

“There isn’t,” said the skull.

“And why’d you decide you want to attack the world just when we come, anyway?” asked Officer Babcock.

“That is such a stupid question. Seeing as I am just now prepared to launch my campaign, I removed my opposition. No, I am not at all concerned about your Grandmother and Mr. Heath. I have confiscated them.”

Officer Babcock went berserk. With one magically enhanced bound, he was at the skull. A painfully intense ray of light erupted from his hand into the glass prison. In an instant, he had fallen over, nearly senseless. The skull calmly toddled forward.

“You forced my hand,” it said serenely, before walking off down the hallway and disappearing into a doorway that suddenly opened in the wall.

“This is such a stupidsituation,” said Ruddy, staring after the skull. The next instant, the floor gave a loud crack and both officers found themselves falling for a distance and then were in pitch darkness.

“Ow,” said Ruddy sorrowfully. “I think I splintered my tailbone.”

“You didn’t,” growled Officer Babcock. “Give us some light, will you?”

Ruddy wordlessly conjured a bright purple sphere and threw it into the air. “Looks like we’re in the basement.”

“Well, yes…”

“Only there aren’t any stairs now.”

“And there’s a maniac loose.”

“Maniac?” scoffed Ruddy. “A good bit more than a maniac, I think. That skull is insane. I mean, some people are a little off their cedar chest, but this skull—it’s lethally mad.”

“I am not accustomed to being helpless.”

“Well, I’m not accustomed to you being helpless, either.”

“That’s very thoughtful of you to say so.”

“No, it’s just true.”

“It’s the thought that counts. Thought, thought, thought…RUDDY!!!!!”

Ruddy fell over the air compressor he was sitting on. “According to the Postulates of Mallon – letsee – RUDDY!!!– Ruddy, we need that polite, ghostly gentleman.”

Something thumped on the floor above their heads, followed by a series of loud groans and clinks, which died away shortly.

“How are we going to get him?”

“Who?” asked Officer Babcock, whose overactive mind was already far remote from polite gentlemen.

“Paul Hoover.”

“Oh, right, him…”

“How long have we been down here?”

“Probably about two minutes?”

“Say,” said Ruddy suddenly, “I have an idea. No, actually, I don’t.” He sighed and pulled out his phone. “Hey! Free Wi-Fi!”

“Free Wi-Fi?” repeated Officer Babcock dully. “Watch out for untrustworthiness.”

“But this is neat. The GPS can’t locate us.”

“Obviously.”

A dull clunk sounded and suddenly a shaft of light cut into the darkness.

“Eek, a rat,” said Ruddy rather boredly. He swiped again at his phone.

Officer Babcock, on the other hand, cartwheeled to the light and looked upwards. “Why, hello, Mr. Hoover! We were just talking about you.”

“Oh, there you are,” said Mr. Hoover, “after all these years.”

“Years?” said Officer Babcock sharply. “What years?”

“So sorry, didn’t mean to offend – here, take this rope.”

“No time, sorry—Ruddy!” Officer Babcock shot up like a torpedo.

“That was easy,” said Ruddy, quickly following him.

“Indeed. Mr. Hoover, we are entirely grateful.”

“I am glad to be of assistance, but I fear you are not who I am looking for. Did you see anybody else down there?”

“No.”

“C’est la vie!” said the gentleman, heaving a deep sigh. “Maybe back in Europe…G’day.”

“Wait!” said Ruddy. “Who exactly are you looking for?”

“I really couldn’t tell you; I almost found—but I am so afraid of ghosts.”

“Did it ever occur to you that you’re a ghost?”

“I don’t think of it that way.” He heaved another deep sigh. “So sorry to keep you fellows; I’ll be on my way.”

“Um,” said Officer Babcock, “how do we get out of this miserable place?”

“You take the old way,” said Paul. “Here, I’ll show you.” He led them through a door and, quite suddenly, they were back in the city, next to a very old tin can. Paul stood serenely in front of them, smiling. “Here we are. Back in the world again.”

Ruddy stopped down to the tin can. “I get a funny feeling about this,” he said.

“You think that is the hotel we were just in?”

“You never know.”

“Stand back.” Officer Babcock waved his hand and the can imploded before violently disintegrating. Immediately, a shadowy spiral reached upwards from the spot, quickly becaming lost in the sky.

Ruddy watched it fade away. “Intuition, right?”

“Gentlemen,” said Paul Hoover, who was now actually looking insubstantial. “I have just remembered – I wasn’t looking for somebody. I was looking for something. I’m a litterer,” he suddenly burst out. “A common, lowly litterer. Without a care in the world, I threw thatcan into a ditch. But now it is destroyed. Thank you, sirs – now I have rest.” He turned and disappeared into a utility pole.

“Nifty!” said Ruddy. “What now?”

“We need to find the raving lunatic of a skull.”

“What about Grandma and—”

“I’m honestly not at all concerned.”

“Oh.”

“Where would you go if you were a raving lunatic of a skull? Hm, let’s just dash over to the office and get some fresh supplies, shall we? Grab hold!”

A few minutes later, they were overloaded with gear. Officer Babcock’s new watch was covered with defensive engravings.

“Nobody will be removing this thing in a hurry,” he said with resolve. “All set, Ruddy?”

Ruddy gave him the thumbs up.

“One, two, three—hit it!” Officer Babcock and Ruddy both pounded their watches and again teleported, directly back to where the tin can was. “All right. We need to move fast.”

“Right!” Ruddy whipped out his phone and began to dedicatedly swipe at its screen, his jaw set.

“Whatever works,” muttered Officer Babcock. He meanwhile began to mutter under his breath, pointing a stout baton at the ground. A blur of only slightly visible blue footprints appeared. “We’ve got them now.”

“No need for that,” said Ruddy. “They’re besieging the town hall over in…Peggr? Is that even a name? No, it’s Pelgg…”

“Well, we don’t know where that is, do we? Come on…”

“I could—” began Ruddy, but Officer Babcock was already loping along, more blue footprints appearing as he progressed.

“Well, have it your own way,” muttered Ruddy darkly, before taking off after him.

Five minutes later, they were still zooming along the oddly empty streets, only now they were riding on self-balancing unicycles that Ruddy had strapped on his back. The footprints were turning purple. A minute later, the footprints were orange.

“Just—oh, stop here.” A lone zombie was walking in circles directly in front of them. Both officers crashed their unicycles into a ditch, seeing as they didn’t really know how to stop them, and Officer Babcock blew them up.

“That was a waste,” said Ruddy.

“It was, wasn’t it?” Officer Babcock sounded a bit surprised at himself. “I suppose my adrenaline’s going.” Ruddy shrugged in agreement. Then they approached the zombie.

“You’re an ugly fellow, aren’t you,” said Officer Babcock.

“Un-der-state-ment,” said Ruddy.

“Yeah, well, begone!” The zombie fell limply the ground.

“That wasn’t so hard,” said Ruddy approvingly.

“Come on.” A bit of sprinting later, they came upon the thick of things. An army of skeletons, animated corpses, a few vampires, and some ghosts – the latter two just hiding in the shadows for the most part – were taking up most of the area. An admirable defensive force of police formed a barrier and a solid-looking politician type bounced around behind them shouting indistinguishable words. Out of just about every window stuck one or two heads. Everybody seemed to be pretending they had always known this would happen.

“This is hilarious,” said Ruddy.

“This is dreadful.” Officer Babcock looked a touch grave – the effect, however, was ruined by his pronounced half smile. “The secret elements of magic are revealed.”

“Bah,” said Ruddy, “it’s happened before! What’s our strategy?”

“Just divide and conquer a bit until Grandma and Heath escape, then we’ll see. They’re really stupid, this army – look at all these useless soldiers; they’re only pressing on one front!” Officer Babcock ran into the back of the enemy. Ruddy took a step backward and began yelling at the top of his voice, drawing his ruler. “I HEREBY CLAIM CONTROL OF THE PURE POWER OF LIGHT TO VANQUISH THIS UNDEAD HOST…”

As he was going through all this, Officer Babcock was alternatively blasting and reallyblasting with his baton.

“That’ll show ’em,” yelled the political-looking fellow from the behind the police officers.

A band of a few heavily armored skeletons noticed Ruddy and turned to clank toward him.

Ruddy somehow raised his voice. “…AND TO BLAST THEM WITH ITS ETHEREAL SHAFTS. LET THEM BE DESTROYED AND PURGED FROM THE EARTH, AS IS FITTING FOR THE ABOMINATION THAT IS THEIR LIFE.”He finally stopped to stare hopefully at the skeleton that now peered into his face mutely. “Nice draugr,” he croaked.

It swung the two maces it was holding. Ruddy instinctively threw himself to the earth. Much less instinctively, he began to glow. It wasn’t an ordinary electrical or combustive glow. It was a consuming, piercing glow, stupendously majestic. And then it grew. It’s movement was both fluid and somehow alive. Without at all slowing down, it silently engulfed the skeletons and then spread easily into the army.

“Hey,” said Ruddy shakily, “it worked. Who knew?” He sank down, rather dizzy.

Officer Babcock, who was caught in a headlock by a very well preserved bodybuilder and was battling the telekinesis of two enthusiastic ghosts, turned at the advent of the light and stared. “Ruddy!” he shouted. “What did you…?” He then turned back to grin obstinately at a skeleton that was advancing with axe raised. A second later, all his opponents were purged from the earth due to the abomination that was their life, and he felt himself comfortably floating to the ground. “Well done, Ruddy, I say! Well done! Bravo! Top job. Pay raise! That’s what I say.” He leaped up and looked down at the streets, on which no abomination remained. “Wasn’t that tidy?” The white light softly dematerialized.

“The hoaxes people do these days, eh!?” Officer Babcock yelled loudly at the sky. “Wouldn’t have believed it!” He rushed off, seized Ruddy, who was still looking rather dazed, and teleported away unto a random roof.

“That, nephew, was incredible.”

“Right?” said Ruddy, blinking a lot. He tried to stand and found, rather to his shock, that he could. “Tell me you didn’t find that majorly impressive.”

“No can do.”

“Look, that person is calmly walking their dog down there.”

“Yes indeed. Now about your pay raise. Twelve-hundredths percent, do you think?”

“Really, I’d be happy with a point seven.”

“What, you want our whole organization to go broke?”

“You probably give yourself plenty of pay raises!”

“I do not! And, anyway, we’re democratic, so Idon’t give the pay raises.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Not so!”

“Well, then, I vote I get a two point seven percent increase.” Ruddy raised his hand.

“That’s almost double! Oh, fine, I second—hold on! Where’s the others?”

“Where’s the others? Where’s the skull with the stupid legs?”

“That is true. Not done yet, are we?”

“Bah, I’ll just blast it.” Ruddy sniffed pompously.

“Watch your attitude. The Pure Light doesn’t like people who sniff too much like that.”

“Oh, right. Bother. Now I’ll have to give my two point seven percent increase to the poor.”

“Serves you right. Now, let’s see.” Officer Babcock began tapping on his watch. “Yes, right. I hope I’m not wrong about this.” With a spectacular jump, he dived from the building.

“Uncle!” yelped Ruddy, stumbling over to peer down to the street. Officer Babcock had landed directly on top of the man he had seen walking the dog.

“That confirmed my worst fears, you know,” yelled Ruddy. “I just knew that would happen.”

“Relax, we’ve caught our skull.” Officer Babcock thrust a glowing hand into the man’s face and the illusion promptly dissolved. The dog remained, beating its tail wildly.

“Now, skull,” spat Officer Babcock. “What have you to say for yourself, eh? Tables turned, are they? Army destroyed, is it? Maybe that army was your strength. You wouldn’t be the first to use others for power, would you?”

“Not much,” said the skull dully. “I suppose they are,” it continued. “Yes, it is. Some of it. No, of course I would not.”

“Now the real question is what to do with you…”

“Throw me to the pigs; have a laugh as they trample me. Or chuck me into the ocean. I care not…my life is meaningless now.”

“What you need,” said Ruddy loudly, “is some good, old-fashioned therapy – i.e., a cat.”

“What, are you crazy?” Officer Babcock hollered back. “As soon as this thing saw the poor kitty, exit cat, enter animated mummy.”

“That is true,” said the skull.

“Oh, really. Just disenchant the thing.”

“I care not if you do,” sniffed the skull haughtily.

“Say,” said Ruddy. “You just sniffed haughtily. There’s got to be some emotions behind that.”

“No, haughtiness is a portrayal of anti-emotion.”

“Have it your own way.”

“I will never have it my way. Draw swords.” A flashy blue sword materialized in the air beside the skull and it started to run.

“Oh, no you don’t!” yelled Officer Babcock. “Ruddy! Teleport! Roadblock!” He took off running. “That thing can move.” Barking excitedly, the dog dashed past him.

“Aieeeeeeee!” screamed Ruddy from a distance. Officer Babcock recklessly hurled himself into teleportation and appeared just inches from where Ruddy was lying on the shoulder of a road, writhing as dark tendrils snaked over him. Cars were roaring past, but nobody seemed to notice his apparent discomfort.

“Where’s the skull, Ruddy?” demanded Officer Babcock.

Ruddy hissed at him.

“Ugh. Hold on.” Officer Babcock stuck his baton into a tendril and, straining a bit, forced them to dissolve.

Ruddy gave a little sigh, stretched, and said, “Oh. Um – skull – went that way.” He pointed.

“Come on.” Officer Babcock took to his heels.

It did not take long to find the skull. It had been detained in an alley, due to its employment in satisfying the dog’s gnawing instinct.

“Why isn’t that dog dead meat yet?” asked Ruddy blankly.

“As I lay here,” said the skull, “still rather surprised that this dog had been able to pounce on me unawares, I came to a startling realization. If I didn’t intervene, this dog could break me apart; inherently, then, it is stronger than I. Yet there are things stronger than this dog. Icould be stronger than this dog. If I fought this dog, it would ultimately do me no good. And while it does me no good, I am weaker than this dog. I am weaker, then, than all that’s alive, when all that’s alive is weaker than me. Therefore we are servants, not the master. My time is done.”

“Um, actually,” said Officer Babcock somewhat awkwardly, “here, you, dog, move along a little there. Not a toy. Okay? Not a toy. Good doggie.” He walked up and pried the skull from it’s slobbery predicament. It stood up. “Why did you do that?”

“We generally don’t let convicts get eaten by animals.”

The skull bobbed. “It must be true. Well, I have changed my worldview. I must investigate these things now. I will go.” It turned and began toddling off.

“Hey!” exclaimed Ruddy. “You can’t just leave.”

“I can. I shall return your Grandmother and this Heath. After this, I shall expire.”

“No, no, no, no, no. You’re coming to jail.” Officer Babcock looked distinctly unsure of this situation.

“If I live, they cannot. If they are set free, I cannot. It’s antibiosis. I am a parasite at this point. My power is spent. I am nothing but an empty shell with idiotic legs, of which I am now tired. I depart.” A column of strobing, purple smoke appeared. “Good day.” The skull fractured and collapsed, turning into dust. The legs, oddly enough, morphed into thick pencils. Immediately, the column cleared away, revealing three people.

Grandma instantly got up. “Tried to take a whole army,” she explained. “Got conked.”

“Where’re we?” moaned Officer Heath thickly. “And who’s shesupposed to be? And what am I doing lying down on a filthy street?” He stood up too fast and had to quickly bend over.

Officer Babcock was curiously investigating the third person. “Human. Female. Young adult. Healthy. Alive. Breathing. Powerfully magical. Beginning to take control of—” He leaped back and carefully placed a magic dome around her.

“Where am I?” she suddenly asked, without opening her eyes.

“Um…” said Officer Babcock.

“An alleyway,” provided Ruddy.

The woman slowly opened her eyes. “It’s bright,” she remarked, linearly gaining a seated position.

“Those are impressive stomach muscles,” whispered Ruddy in Officer Babcock’s ear.

“Shut up,” whispered Officer Babcock back.

“Who are you?” asked Officer Heath gruffly.

The woman payed him no mind. Instead, she was staring at Officer Babcock. “I know you.” She got to her feet, staggering slightly. “Officer George Babcock. It must have worked. And you, Officer Ruddy Babcock. And there’s my dog – how did he get here? Here, Kenneth.” The dog pranced happily over to her and began rubbing against her leg like a cat.

“You wouldn’t happen to be that skull with the stupid little legs?” asked Ruddy rather tightly.

“What? I wasgoing to give myself an immortal body – it seems possible, yes. And I doseem to remember—and something about wristwatches. I must have been a menace.”

“Of all things,” said Officer Babcock. He cleared his throat. “Oh, you know, I’ve seen worse.”

“You were just a touchcracked,” said Ruddy. “She isthe skull,” he whispered to Officer Heath.

“What skull?” growled Officer Heath. Ruddy drew out his phone and showed him a picture.

“This one.”

“Oh. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.” His eyes flicked to the woman. “No offense.”

“None taken.” 

“Well,” said Grandma, “in thatcase, how about we go to the office and mull things over with a drop of cider?”

“Ha!” said Ruddy loudly. “Get it? Mull things over with mulledcider!”

“I’m not impressed,” stated Officer Babcock.

Approximately three minutes later, all five individuals were sitting in Samantha Babcock’s extraordinary parlor (it accounted for more than three quarters of the house), seeing as it was unanimously decided that the office was no place for company.

“So,” said Officer George Babcock. “We’re all here.” He leaned forward professionally and set a hastily conjured coffee mug on a nearby table. “What do you have to say for yourself, Miss…miss?”

“Not much, really. I was born. I ate mostly peas for years…”

“Ouch,” interjected Ruddy, looking sympathetic.

“I like peas.”

“You do?” Ruddy looked simultaneously awestruck and aghast.

“I do. Then I adopted this dog, began to—”

“Yes, yes. I get it,” said Officer Heath dolefully. He flipped through the two legible pages of an incredibly worn newspaper.

“Anyway, here I am.” She threw her arms out and indicated herself.

“Drink your orange juice,” commanded Grandma Babcock. “We need to secretly discuss your future. What’s your name, incidentally?”

“No idea, actually!” The woman’s face brightened. “I like to call myself Thrúd.”

“You like to…” Officer Babcock looked bemused. “Whatever suits you. Now, it seems to me she isn’t too wicked or anything – now, at least.”

“Hope not,” said Thrúd, staring at her orange juice.

“It also seems her personality was a bit suppressed while she was a SWSL, so—”

“What’s a swizel?” asked Ruddy.

“It’s an acronym,” said Officer Babcock patiently. “Skull with stupid legs.”

“Oh. Like S-W-S-L? I’m pretty sure that’s already a thing.”

Officer Babcock glared at the carpet.

Thrúd took a sip of orange juice.

Officer Babcock cleared his throat and looked up at her. “Not guilty!” he announced, smashing his hand into his armrest.

“You’d better have an egg, then,” said Grandma to Thrúd.

“I’m actually mildly allergic to eggs.”

“Well!” Grandma looked taken aback.

“How’d you do it?” Ruddy petted Kenneth as the dog rested his head on Officer Heath’s apathetic knee.

“Do what?” asked Thrúd, turning to stare at him.

“Turn into a Cranium ridiculum.”

“SWZL’s better,” grunted Officer Babcock.

Thrúd frowned. “Oh, well, I just was…wait a minute. Oh, gullible comb jellies! I forgot. I really have to get back.” She shot up in alarm, throwing her glass halfway across the room in the process. Officer Heath glanced up briefly but quickly resumed his newspaper.

“Back?” asked Ruddy, white in the face.

She began pacing around alarmingly fast. “Yes, I’m not from this world. And I’m probably going to get thrown in prison. Oh, great. So, I can go?”

“Yes,” said Officer Heath, picking up a magazine with onions on its front.

“Thanks for everything, then.” She grabbed her dog. “Bye.” She stepped forward and disappeared, and everyone in the room felt the worlds briefly touch.

“Hang on!” said Officer Babcock. “A person can’t just stepinto another reality. I hope you all realize that, right? That would take tremendouspower. Portals, anybody? Powerful, specialized portals or systems built around the very base of power, on a deeper level than even space or time? I’ll buy something like that. But one foot up, suddenly in a new world, one foot down? That’s just ridiculous! Furthermore…”

“Yep,” Officer Heath picked up a book on Latin declensions.

“Something just doesn’t add up,” agreed Ruddy.

“Right?” said Grandma. “Who wants eggs?”