Well, I ended up getting this chapter up this week anyway, because I'm not going to be able to finish the Halloween story in time after all. I just don't have time to work on it with the other projects I'm working on (Plus finishing up my reading for this month) and with NaNoWriMo starting next week, I don't want to rush through any writing right now. So enjoy the next chapter of The Voices Beneath instead.
chapter twenty-seven
love and hate
I had
never been in a battle before, and I had no idea what it would be like.
Certainly, the press, the noise, and the tension that was almost tangible in
the air were far more than I had ever expected. I could hardly get my breath,
and I only wanted to drop the sword and stop, no matter that I might be killed,
but I could not. I was not in control of my body. I seemed to be moving as a
puppet, Morgan la Fay’s puppet, as I strode across the field, pulled by an
invisible force. It had never been this fierce before. I remembered the first
time I realized something was wrong, when I had fought Arthur at my knighting
ceremony and found out what the curse actually entailed. This was twenty times
as powerful as that and every time since had been, and I doubted even Merlin
could stop me now.
I cursed Morgan inwardly and
outwardly and shouted it for anyone who could hear, even though no one was
listening to me. The two armies had met, and I could hear the sounds of sword
on sword, metal clashing and screeching together, and the screams of the
wounded and dying. But I could not be bothered with this. I pushed forward,
avoiding the other fighters, seeming to be charmed in my advance for no one
tried to attack me. I was a shadow. I had crossed through Morgan’s army and was
somehow into Arthur’s. I saw several of the knights, my former comrades,
holding off Morgan’s mercenaries, and wondered where Gawain and Percival and
the others who were my dear companions were. Perhaps I didn’t want to know. I
didn’t want them to see my betrayal of everyone that I had professed to love
dearly. I only hoped that if I killed Arthur one of them would have the mercy
to do me in if Merlin didn’t first, or if I didn’t decide to fall on my own
sword.
It was then that I saw him. He was
mounted on his war horse, in the thick of the battle, because of course he
would be leading his men from the front, unlike Morgan who would do her wicked
deeds from the back. I stopped upon seeing him initially, he was so majestic
and fierce I knew that I wanted to fight beside him, would have given anything
for that chance. He had still been the only father I had ever known, no matter
what had come between us. But my body would not obey these thoughts. The sword
in my hand tugged me forward once more, thirsty, and I knew it would not be
stopped until it was sated with his blood.
The knights, the closest of Arthur’s
court, his round-tablemen, stood around him, fighting to hold off the enemy
from their king and brother. I saw Merlin there too, fighting with sword and
magic both, and then Arthur, with his great sword, turned and spotted me
standing there and we stared at each other, gauging what the other was
thinking.
“Arthur,” I said softly but he
seemed to hear me, even though I knew the sound couldn’t have traveled over the
fighting. Run, please run I pleaded,
but Arthur didn’t. In fact, he dropped from his horse, handing the reins to a
knight and came to me.
I tried to back away, to force
myself to run if he would not, but my feet were planted. We were out on a knoll
above the fighting. There were no men here, and they didn’t seem to notice that
their king had gone from the fray. Rain started to fall from the grey sky, and
it dripped onto my head and shoulders, sinking into my mail, and it clinked off
Arthur’s armor as he drew nearer. His sword was bloody in his hand, but he did
not hold it threateningly. He didn’t know. How could he not know? Why did
Merlin not tell him?
“Mordred,” he said, stopping several
feet from me.
My sword tugged in my hand. I fought
with everything I had not to let it move. It would not drink today, not of
Arthur’s blood. I clenched my jaw, my knuckles white against the sword hilt and
cursed Morgan over and over again, thinking of the many ways I could tear her
to pieces.
“Arthur,” I ground out from between
my clenched teeth. “Leave.”
He frowned. “Why are you here? Are
you with Morgan?”
I didn’t say anything, the pull was
nearly too much and I staggered forward a step. Now my whole body was thirsting
for the fight, everything but my mind. Morgan would have made certain to keep
that my own, so that I could watch Arthur die under my hands as my punishment
for refusing her. I imagined wrapping my hands around her throat and watching
the life seep out of her eyes.
“Go now,” I growled, straining to
keep myself at bay. “Leave!”
Arthur looked angry now, but there
was an underlying pain in his eyes. “I did not want to send you away, Mordred.
But you understand why I had to. It hurt me to my very soul. You must
understand that. You did not need to go to Morgan. Please. Come back, Mordred.
We can try again.”
“I can’t!” I shouted, the cry hoarse
in my throat. “I don’t want to hurt you, Arthur!”
“You don’t have to,” he said, raising
his free hand slightly, a sad smile forming on his face. “Come with us, and you
can leave Morgan.”
Morgan la Fay. I wanted my sword to
plunge under her ribs and stab the black heart in her chest—if she even had a
heart to stab. I lurched forward before I could stop myself. “No, please go!”
“Mordred, stop!” Merlin’s shout came
up the knoll as he finally realized what was happening. I choked on a relieved
sob, knowing it would be over soon. Merlin would kill me and everything would
be done…
“Merlin, I’ve been waiting a long
time for this.”
And with that everything fell apart.
Morgan appeared behind him and with a spell, threw him several yards across the
wet grass. And that was when I knew that everything was lost. All my
concentration fell into pieces and I ran at Arthur with an anguished cry as I
raised my sword. He was shocked as he brought up his own to block the blow.
“Mordred, what are you doing?” he
asked.
“I can’t stop,” I cried out and
swiped a devastating blow at his head, forcing him to duck.
“Mordred, whatever she threatened
you with, you don’t have to worry. I’ll protect you from her,” Arthur said
breathlessly as he blocked another blow but not before gaining a slice across
his unprotected thigh.
“No,” I gasped out, thrusting at him
and nearly falling to my knees from the lunge. I heard Morgan scream and felt a
small surge in her hold on me but then it only seemed to come back twice as
strong, and I was on my feet and trading feverish blows with Arthur, pressing
him backward more and more furiously. I had never fought like this in my life.
I didn’t even know I was capable of it.
Arthur tripped over a stone and
fell, bringing up his sword only just in time to knock mine away as I stabbed
downward to his chest.
“Mordred, I know this isn’t you,”
Arthur said, sounding more as if he were reassuring himself than me. “Please, I
know you don’t want to do this. Just tell me what she threatened you with.”
“I can’t,” I sobbed, and I realized
I was sobbing. Tears were mixing with the rain streaming down my face now. “I
can’t stop. I’m cursed.”
He threw me backwards and I fell,
landing on my backside as I skidded across the ground, but still managed to
somehow not drop the accursed sword. It was as if the weapon was fused into my
palm.
“What do you mean?” he asked breathlessly,
wiping blood from a cut across his brow.
“She cursed me to kill you,” I
whispered before I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside. I
screamed, and looked over briefly to see Merlin curled on the ground with
Morgan standing over him, her gaze settled on me, causing the pain with a
powerful spell. I screamed a curse at her, but then Merlin was up and
distracting her again and I was once more forced to my feet, advancing on
Arthur.
“Kill me,” I told him. “Just strike
me down, because I will kill you, Arthur, I can’t stop it!”
He didn’t say anything, but he
fought on. I stabbed him in the shoulder though his armor protected him for the
most part, and then finally kicked the sword from his hand. He fell on his back
with a grunt, and grabbed a dagger from the back of his belt. I stabbed at him
with my sword, but he kicked up toward my wrist and I was forced to let go as a
sickening crack was heard and numbness went up my arm. I screamed, knowing my
wrist was broken. I still couldn’t stop though; I reached for my own dagger and
went after Arthur again. He was on his feet now, panting and drenched in blood
and rain and covered in mud and grass.
Morgan screamed again, and then
Merlin cried out but I couldn’t look back to see what was happening. I stopped,
staring at Arthur, both of us clutching daggers now. I could still feel the
pull but it seemed to be keeping me still for the moment.
“Do it, Mordred!” Morgan’s voice
came and I looked over to see her holding Merlin up by the front of his tunic.
The sorcerer looked the worse for wear, and I feared this might be it for all
of us. “Kill him!”
I stepped toward Arthur. Then took
another step and another. “No. I told you I would not. I will kill you before
that.”
Morgan laughed, throwing Merlin away
from her. “You are weak, Mordred. You can never beat me.”
“Mordred,” Merlin croaked out,
dragging himself to his feet again. “You must not hate. Remember what I told
you.”
But Morgan had taken hold of me
again and I was only a few feet from Arthur. I couldn’t stop myself. I knew I
couldn’t. I went toward him, my dagger raised, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Arthur wasn’t going to stop me. I
saw it in his face, and I knew I had to stop myself. He still had his dagger
held in front of him, and as I was compelled to stab my dagger into his chest,
I exerted every last energy I had, not cursing Morgan this time, but looking
into Arthur’s face instead as I threw myself against his dagger.
“No!” he shouted as he realized what
I was doing, but it was too late. The dagger took me in the belly and I grabbed
his wrist that held it, pulling it back out of me. Arthur looked at me in
horror and crushed me in his arms. The hand I held my dagger in was above his
shoulder. I could feel the pull of it drawing the blade to his back, ready to
stab him in the heart, but I wouldn’t let it. I screamed a wordless battle cry,
knowing I couldn’t let her defeat me now. Not now after I had made it this far.
I didn’t think of Morgan at all. I just felt Arthur’s arms around me, buried my
face in his neck, and thought of everything he had done for me. Taking me in,
and calling me son.
I felt as if I were coming up
through water. I gasped at the sudden clarity, and my hand finally opened, the
dagger falling out to land with a squelch in the wet ground. Pain shot through
me. I hadn’t felt it before, but now I collapsed against Arthur and he went to
his knees with me, as Morgan screamed in rage.
“No!” she screamed. “No!”
Merlin came up behind her and didn’t
bother to use magic this time. His lips twisted in disgust as he put his hands
on either side of her head and broke her neck with a quick, efficient jerk. She
slumped lifeless at his feet, her scream cut off, and everything seemed to eek
out of me. I could barely keep my eyes open.
“Mordred, stay with me,” Arthur
pleaded, pushing the wet hair from my face. I clutched at his tunic with my
good hand.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Mordred!” Merlin’s voice was heard
and I felt him skid to his knees on my other side, his hands fumbling with my
tunic. Ripping it open, and forcing my chain mail up to reveal the wound. “You
bloody idiot!”
I cried out as he pressed a hand
over my wound, muttering something that I wasn’t sure was a spell or a curse.
Arthur pulled me closer and I clutched at him tighter as I felt myself
slipping. I didn’t want to go now. Not when everything was okay again. Tears
slid down my cheeks. It wasn’t fair.
“Merlin, is there nothing you can
do?”
“Not out here, blast it all,” Merlin
ground out, his voice fading. “He needs to be warm and in a bed, we’ll patch
him as well as we can and get him out of here.”
I somehow managed to open my eyes a
crack to see Arthur leaning over me, his hand on my cheek. “Stay with me,” was
all he said.
I reached up to grab his hand but
don’t even know if I made it there because the darkness took me and that was
all I knew.
